dear lindsay lohan,

so i was just sitting here thinking: hmmm… li.lo’s been awful quiet lately. what the eff is up?

and then i google and god giveth.

turns out today you started principle photography on your forthcoming historical masterpiece, LIZ & DICK.

you know, linds, you’re a crafty one, no lie. somehow, despite the repeated intimations to the contrary, i convinced myself that this LIZ & DICK monstrosity wouldn’t actually ever be. i figured you’d give up or drop out or– merciful lord– see the light. but no.

as your LIZ & DICK executive producer said: “This is really happening.” even he seems shellshocked that this trainwreck is, in fact, coming to be.

i swear to you, had they ever made a speed 3, this would’ve been the plot.

but, in truth, i’m rooting for you, linds. no, really, i am. i want you to succeed here. i want you to produce an honest and vivid portrayal of elizabeth taylor that cuts to the core of who she was– a deeply compassionate woman with an enormous capacity for love and an incredible talent. do that and my respect will know no bounds.

in fact, i think there was a time you could’ve done this, piece of cake. 2006, for instance.

now, maybe not so much.

because, as your executive producer reminds us: “This isn’t like making an appearance on Glee or spending a week on SNL. She is number one on the call sheet. She is the star.”

that is what scares me, li.lo. that is why i say heaven help us all.

because you, lindsay, are the star. of an 88 minute movie that is being shot in 20 days. and you are not elizabeth taylor.

this is what your publicist told the NY daily news: “…when Lindsay and Grant walked on set for the first time in full makeup and costume, and it took everyone’s breath away. It was like being on set with Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton. It was really a moment.”

lindsay lohan, that comment slays my heart.

because um… no. it wasn’t.

there is no freaking way that being on a set with lindsay lohan and a dude from true blood could begin to approximate being in the company of taylor and burton. they were fire and ice and diamonds and any combination of the names from her perfume empire. this is lindsay lohan and a dude from true blood filming an 88 minute movie for cable tv.

but here is what bothers me most: lindsay is a messed up kid with a crack problem. a girl who, i think, has talent but no work ethic. elizabeth taylor, in contrast, worked her ass off. always. and she was terribly brave. somehow i don’t think this lifetime movie is going to tell that story. but, in spite of myself, i really wish it would.

love,

o.

(photographs: TMZ/getty;    richardson;  lagerfeld;

richardson; richardson; ritts)