an open letter to lindsay lohan on the occasion of the last three weeks having been a total trainwreck of stupid

lilo ridic fur

dear lindsay lohan,

i’ve taken an accidental month-long blogging break in large part because there is just too much to take in. what with beiber’s meltdown in london, the DOC/mantel plastic bride/royal bodies smackdown, a piece i’ve been trying to write for months on celeb surgery, and then… THEN… [ominous drums] there is you. there is always you.

personally, i didn’t want to write about you, but then a friend’s mother told me i really needed to engage, so here goes.

li.lo, i can’t even look at you right now.

MUG SHOT

li.lo, WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH YOUR LIFE??!!?!

really, that’s an unfair question. you’ve been doing this for awhile. it’s kinda like an annual bacchinalian now and i should think that, by this point, a very clear pattern has emerged. we, as a society, should maybe no longer be surprised. maybe it shouldn’t be at all shocking that you, mere days after your recent plea deal, would be (“allegedly”) seen guzzling vodka.

lilo 1

we should maybe, at this point in history, take for granted the fact that this is just how it’s going to be going forward. endless insanity, total stupid nonsense.

if we buy into that, then there are so many things we can just take for granted without having to question all of the injustice inherent in them.

lv

like, for instance, how you are the california legal system’s kryptonite. (btw, thanks for getting this song stuck in my head for four freaking days.) li.lo, do you realize that you get away with everything? i mean, yeah, you’re in court all of the time, but that’s largely because, after getting away with one thing (drugs! theft! reckless driving!) you go out and do something else. and, like steve sanders, you always get caught.

via perez hilton

(via perez hilton)

you’ve blatantly violated every probation you’ve ever had. and nobody even seems to care. not really. they’ll call you in to court. you’ll maybe show. they’ll charge you $150, you’ll laugh and, next night, you’ll be out drinking vodka.

you’ve violated your probation six times in six years. girl, HOW DO YOU STILL HAVE A DRIVER’S LICENSE?

lilo feb

also, your legal team is like the marx brothers. for reals. you fired shawn holley, who’s saved your butt time and time again, and took on mark heller. whycome?

oh, yes, it’s because your priorities are intolerably awful.

Screen shot 2013-03-25 at 6.18.19 PMso you’ve been sentenced to something everybody’s calling ‘lockdown rehab’, which- as it turns out- isn’t even a real thing.

Screen shot 2013-03-25 at 6.30.56 PM

truth time: li.lo, are you seeing a lifetime move in all of this? because if you were to tell me that this was all a big case of franco and that, four years hence, we’ll be treated to an epic hour and a half of LINDSAY LOHAN STARS IN THE LIFETIME MOVIE LINDSAY LOHAN: THE LIFETIMES OF LIZ & DICK’S STAR, dude! WORTH IT.

otherwise, i’m totally over it.

btw, this outfit is an unqualified HORROR. unless you were hoping to artistically represent your driving record through clothes, in which case, well played.

lilo court

love,

o.

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