macaulay culkin: “healthier and happier”

mac 2

as you may or may not know, i am OBSESSED with the way the daily mail reports about macaulay culkin. well, actually, i’m obsessed with the way the daily mail writes about anyone but i am particularly OBSESSED with the way they have written about mac, beginning with what i’mma call “The Sad, Solitary, Alone Taco Bell Incident” and onward.

why? because he’s a child star. he’s not particularly active in hollywood, seldom does publicity, and yet he’s out there doing stuff. and, while he doesn’t receive loads of coverage, the coverage comes in a tiny though steady trickle, so there’s apparently some market in concern-trolling him on a semi-monthly basis.

also, four years after their break-up, we are still reminded in nearly every article about mac that appears in the daily mail that mila kunis left him in 2010. that’s interesting, because usually it’s women who are portrayed this way rather than men. be real: four years from now, is george clooney’s name gonna be linked to stacy keibler’s? likely no.

lastly- in what i guess is turning out to be a manifesto for why i’m going to keep writing on the daily mail‘s reports about macaulay culkin- the daily mail‘s use of writing whole articles based on looking at photographs is particularly evident in their coverage of mac and that is maybe one of my favorite things ever to point out.

Screen shot 2014-05-05 at 8.22.23 AM

anyway, what’s mac up to these days?

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this begs for context as the use of the comparatives in the title raises the question: happier and healthier than what?

fortunately that is not a great mystery but something we can actually know. because it’s a reference to the 13 january 2013 article when he was “healthy and happy” because he was seen carrying a hudson news bag at laguardia.

an incident which, as all things do, leads to the time when he wasn’t healthy and happy because, on 22 december 2013, he ATE ALONE AT TACO BELL!!!

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(my deep reading of that whole nonsense can be found here.)

so mac is healthy and happy because he’s not eating alone. and he took a shower and cleaned up and presented a better image of himself than he did when all those heroin rumors were going around. remember those?

mac drugs

yeah, that story’s dead. drug problem solved because mac’s got a girl (are we to believe only single people do drugs?? is that why zac efron suddenly has a new girlfriend??) and now, in today’s article (btw, sadly lacking in sources at charles de gaulle airport talking about mac like he were the villain in a penny-dreadful), he’s healthier and happier because he’s still got that girl and is engaged in work.

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you guys, is that BLONDE COLIN FIRTH behind him??!?!?!

lest you think all is entirely well in macland, it’s not completely rosey…

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he’s tired! 😦

but don’t worry too much. there is, of course, a daily mail article for that, informing us that 6 in 10 people don’t get enough sleep (evidently our “gadgets” are to blame). so, really, mac: HE’S JUST LIKE US!!! (y’know, except for eating at taco bell alone.)

other ways he’s just like us? he puts things in a bag and places them in a vehicle.

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Screen shot 2014-05-05 at 8.29.45 AMbest.caption.ever.

also, note the restraint they showed in not speculating about what might be in the bag. two years ago this, when mac was single, this undoubtedly would have been a Drug Bag of Doom.

so remember that mac’s happiness stems from the fact that he’s in a relationship with a woman who looks like mila kunis and, therefore, we can assume, he’s no longer eating alone. and, now that mila kunis is engaged, mac is racing her to the altar. since the daily mail is the chief proponent of this theory, of course it’s discussed here.

lookit!! he’s so loved up.

mac 5except this is actually a photo from last year and she wasn’t even at the show we’re talking about where he put the bag in the van.

Screen shot 2014-05-05 at 8.32.14 AM

presumably most readers overlooked that discontinuity as i didn’t notice it until the third read, and i’mma assume not a lot of people read daily mail articles three times thru.

so she, jordan lane price (would that everyone in her family is named after a mad men character and a new kid, and her sisters were jonathan roger sterleng, joey don drayper, donnie burt kooper, and danny ted chaw) wasn’t there. but she’s been there. and that makes mac happy. sigh.

except we don’t know that for sure, we just know from pics, because mac doesn’t tell us because mac’s sooooooooooo private…

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for real, is the qualification for being private with your personal life now not having a twitter or instagram account?

in conclusion, because no article on mac is complete without an update on mila kunis, voilà:

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this is, i think (though i am not 100% certain), a photograph of jordan lane price.

if it is, then it’s doing all of the daily mail‘s work in establishing the kunis look-alike assertion.

if it isn’t, then it is very confusingly captioned and doing an entirely different thing: suggesting that kunis and culkin were doomed by her use of instagram.

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5 thoughts on “macaulay culkin: “healthier and happier”

  1. i love your writings about mack and dailymail. they are really funny and true. please gon because dailymail will 🙂

  2. Pingback: an update on what macaulay culkin has been up to this past fortnight | finding jackie

  3. Sad thing is he and Jordan were broken up by 5/14 and she had a new bf, so the Daily Fail is extra dumb. You are hilarious, however. Macaulay probs had Taco Bell in that bag.

  4. Pingback: the daily mac: 35, man bun, red nails, cigarette in right hand | finding jackie

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